I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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