I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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