I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
