I met the friendliest cop last night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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