No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
