I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
