every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
