If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize