I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
