I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
