It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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