Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
