If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
