I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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