what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
