My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
