I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
