loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
