If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
