You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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