everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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