Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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