I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
