i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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