listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
