I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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