Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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