I want to make a zoo with you.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The uberlube is also flammable
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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