I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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