Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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