and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
