I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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