I met the friendliest cop last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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