wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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