yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
