I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
