i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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