I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
