Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
