Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
