would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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