How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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