I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
