and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize