Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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