Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
