i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she peed on how many people?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
