i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
