You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
