I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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