so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
