Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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