Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
