So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and she was petting her beer can
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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