Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
pray to the hookup gods
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
