genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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