i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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