If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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