Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He kissed a someone with a penis
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
