Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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