I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
