If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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