Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
